I'm Tempted To Say That I Walk For A Living - But, Of Course, It's Really Just A Big Inconvenience Within A Life

This long, long, kind of all encompassing post is something I'm posting on this "notebook blog" mainly because I'm not entirely all that comfortable with my candor in it, and have therefore decided to tuck it away in this "notebook".  I know it can be found if someone were to look.  That's fine.  I just want this post easily removed if I want to remove it.  Also, I don't want to call "main attention" to it.

Since I first started "walking for a living" (that's what it feels like since everything I wear, buy, carry, and/or otherwise keep on hand often involves the "walking factor"),  my projects/online efforts, as well as online writing in general (not to mention ever evolving devices) have continued to evolve/change.

If there are actually people who walk for a living (rather than just, say, walk for exercise or health, or walk for transportation, I don't really know anything about them.

It's just that where I live, the weather, and my "actual life", make me feel as if I "walk for a living" because of all the ways my personal "walking lifestyle" mixes in with my "actual life" (while also remaining just a little "side aspect" of it in most ways).

One irony is that as different devices became available I began aiming to have some of them so that I could actually do some work outside (not to mention the keeping track of business I referred to in a previous post).  Some were heavy.  That was OK.  There's such a thing as bags with shoulder straps.   If I was in someone's car I didn't usually want, need, or plan to use certain devices anyway (because besides errands there has usually been some socializing under that circumstance).

There actually have been times when I'd do a little work outside.  Then, too, some devices got smaller before they got bigger - and at some point the bigger and heavier devices became too heavy once weight became a factor for a person with a leg injury (and then two) that didn't "do extra weight" very well.

In any case,  right before the leg injuries my "carrying-stuff-with-me" situation had gone from just my usual shoulder bag and cell phone to (sometimes) my usual shoulder bag, cell phone, and one or another kind of bag that I may/may not leave in someone's car or else slung over the same shoulder that the purse was.

The first leg injury changed everything, but even with that, there was a brief time in Fall when the leg injury was good enough to start walking on it again as long as I kept a sturdy shopping cart with me.  Since I had that little cart that was just enough "iffy support" to take a little bit of my own weight off the still-not-that-great leg; I'd throw in a device or two, maybe my camera , and have a brief time when I actually thought I was getting back to at least some of my old practices.  That's when Winter hit.

If I recall correctly (I'm not going to double-check now because it's not that important), that was the Winter when Google's "Panda" hit online writing sites.  I just remember sitting with "The Leg" plopped on its faithful little stool next to my little desk, with my face glued to PC screen and my ear to television  as yet another major change in my personal "whole picture".  It got my mind off "The Leg", and (like "walking for a living") was only a small part of my "actual life".

Part of me wants to say (and will kind of say) that "The Leg" was the least of my problems.  Part of me wants to say (and will kind of say) that Google's Panda "shake up" was the least of my problems.  Part of me even wants to say (and will kind of say) that not driving was, in some ways, the least of my problems.

Aside from planning to eventually turn at least some of this into something useful for someone other than myself, I will say that a very big part of me wants to get at least some of this down in writing because a) I don't know anyone else in my circle who has spent as much time as I have "all involved" with the online writing thing.  I don't know anyone in my circle who "walks for a living" and/or who does at least x amount of business out of a shoulder bag, rather than an office and/or a car.

And, while I'm not ordinarily someone who cares about who understands my situation and/or who thinks what (if anything) about what I do, I've often found myself on the receiving end of questions, well meaning advice, ideas, etc. etc. from people who are being kind but who don't at least know me/my situation well enough that they clearly wonder if I'm even sane.

People who know me at least know that I'm obviously sane.  A less "dramatic" piece of well intended information came years ago when someone told me where I could get "help for alcoholics" (!!!).  I very close to "don't drink at all" - VERY close.  It's not that one person made that remark years ago and I "never got over it".  It's that that is an easy-to-recall example of the kind of thing that makes even someone who normally doesn't assume other people are thinking much about her to have to process how to deal with out-of-the-blue remarks/advice coming from people who mean well but who clearly have nowhere near an accurate reading of what I am.

If the remarks were behind my back I wouldn't have to deal with them, but when they're to my face I don't know what on Earth to say.  It's some version of "short-circuiting" that I referred to in the post about  having my errands plan thrown off.

I'm no different from most people who think it doesn't matter much what someone else thinks (although I certainly care to some to extent).  Even with that, no, it doesn't, or shouldn't, matter much what someone I don't know, or barely know, thinks about me.  What does matter is how they treat me if they treat me based on something that has nothing to do with reality.

It is kind of disturbing to realize that the person who gets into a late model, or reasonably late model, car and privately scoots off to work outside the home (or even to the supermarket and bank) doesn't even have to think about whether anyone else thinks s/he is an alcoholic or a "bag lady".  (I actually have "great" "bag-lady" hair because no spray in the world can help my fine, straight, hair stand up under even a mild breeze or a little humidity, not to mention rain, snow, or major wind.  And, a hat wouldn't help.  It would only add to "bag lady" look (or else just the "weird look" considering where I walk and what else I wear.).

I don't think too many women would prefer to be their worst-looking when they're outside their home.  Some people may be under the mistaken impression that older women don't care.  We do.

Something else that I find disturbing is this.  I'm a smoker who would prefer to quit, or at least cut way back until I could quit.  The walking thing is not the way I can quit because of the "frazzlement" factor.
Quitting or not, I'd certainly prefer to be more discreet  about it (considering how horrendously looked down on this particular habit is).

While there was once a time (maybe I just hadn't seen the sign on the door, although I don't think there was one there) when I could find a quiet and kind of private-enough location outside the public library, (and away from the door) I would eventually see a sign on the front door smoking on the grounds was not allowed.

So, in a state where marijuana will soon be on the ballot, where God-knows-how-many-people have serious, serious, problems with both legally prescribed and illegal drugs, where drinking is whatever problem it is (and as far as I know drinking and driving still happens over and over again), and where who-knows-what-kind-of mind-altering (or at least mind-dulling) substances are all out there in "full and disastrous and questionable bloom"; my choice is to either indulge in my less than desirable habit (I don't pretend it's anything else) while walking down a main street or standing at the corner of shopping center or anywhere else I can find that's not private.

I'm NOT defending smoking, and I'm NOT saying I think it should be allowed indoors anywhere.  Neither am I looking for some kind of sympathy or even understanding.  I'm just pointing out that not driving  (at least where I live) means, in yet one more way, pretty much putting my worst out there in public; while other people get to look so much less questionable (or plain, old, peculiar), keep so much more dignity for themselves, and yet go off and do whatever they do in private without anyone else ever noticing or judging them (or at least without whatever they do being factored into what people think of them).

For someone like me (who takes no medication other than aspirin and who keeps ibuprofen in the house in case, maybe, I want to take one or in case someone visiting asks if I have any) - I'm sorry - but, yes, this seemingly minor thing irks the heck out of me, to say the least.

And, what is actually frightening for me is that if I'm either trying to quit or else just don't happen to have  any of the much-despised item-in-question; and if I get particularly "frazzled" because of that, and want to go out and high-speed, walk-off, some steam; I'm afraid that if it's night and if I do then there's a good chance someone will call the police and say I'm out there walking; and have a "giant misunderstanding take place".

Maybe I should be every bit as worried on behalf of myself as I am for other people (particularly, maybe, women - but anyone, really) with regard to this potential/occasional (rare, really) urge to take off at night on a high-speed walk in order to try to fend off the discomfort of nicotine withdrawal.  I do wonder, though, about people who may not be as well established in their community as I am, or else maybe, say, women who are younger than I am (and therefore don't have the thing about having had children in the local schools and activities).

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This is a kind of all-encompassing, walking-related, post that I wanted included on this blog.

A Post From My "Walking Notes" Blog

 This is a post that I started on my "walking notes" page, but it turned kind of all-encompassing.  So, I decided it should be on this page.   As always, I'll sort and organize better later (and eventually) - or maybe not, who knows....


When I first started walking for doing errands it was because my divorce was handled in some strange, secret, way that meant I didn't know what was going on, who was doing/saying what related to the case, and I pretty much assumed all would be resolved in a reasonable amount of time.  I had three kids to worry about a) being separated from, and b) figuring out how to be their emotional support the way I'd always been.  I told the lawyer who was supposed to be representing me that I felt like I was living in the Twilight Zone because it was all so bizarre. 

My aim isn't to rehash all that here, but the reason I bring it up my driver's license became a casualty of a conflict between a court order and the inspection laws, not to mention the dismal failure that was the attorney/social worker who looked my children in the face, essentially allowed them to think that all would be fine, and left me trying to guess what was going on when things would be straightened out (as they kept asking me).

In any case, because the court handled things in such a bizarre way I opted to go with the court order that allowed/required me to pick up my children every day and for every weekend whether or not the car passed inspection.  I did ask for money to keep the car inspected and was ignored, and I did address the matter of tickets I eventually got and was ignored (or else got so many different answers or non-answers  when I would eventually, and at times, have the money to get my license back I was too worried that someone would "pull something", pull a switcheroo, or give me some new answer that meant they'd keep my several hundred dollars and move some goal-post.  Other goal-posts had been moved by the court and/or someone associated with the case, so I had reason to think it may happen again.

Of course, by the time the whole business was being handled in court there were all kinds of complications (like possible lawsuits, for example).  Also, I, myself, had filled out the form to ask that some things be kept confidential  for a reason I won't go into here.  In any case, at one of the court "things" the judge said, "This case is being shielded from public scrutiny."  I wasn't sure why.

So that's the driver's license story.

Along with whatever else was going on, the children, their father, and I had been through some serious personal loss on his side, and it wasn't long before some serious loss on my side went on.  So, all that aside and regardless of what I was going through; like any mother, my main concern was what my children were going through.

So here now, is "The Raincoat Story" (with some additional, straggling, points thrown in without regard for how well or structured I'm presenting things)...   (As with the raincoat, sometimes one just can't worry about how things look...)

Before the whole divorce thing, I'd always had a couple of "all weather coats" (zip-in-linings) that I could just throw on over, say, a skirt and top (or sometimes dress), and be reasonably appropriate looking any of the places that I tended to go.  Sometimes I'd get a new one for "good".  Or, because I take care of my clothes I might take out a "Spring-ier looking" one if that seemed better.

So when I first started having to walk for errands it was "just what I'd always worn".  I didn't think the situation would last forever.  With all kinds of seriously big concerns on my mind it was the last thing I thought about, although I would eventually realize that walking often enough in a "raincoat" (they ARE often sold as "all-weather coats", but people tend to call them "raincoats") was seen as odd by some people.

Keep in mind that I was around forty years old at the time.  One problem I seemed to run into in some personal circles was some people seemed to compare what I wore with what people twenty years younger than I wore ("the latest fashion" and "what the girls wear these days" or "what the young people wear these days).

Then, too, there were people seemed to think that women who weren't working full-time wore was supposed to be pants and three-quarter-length jackets.  Whatever...

So, at the time (and for quite some time after) I was getting raincoat-comments coming from all directions.  Some came back to me second-hand.   I dealt with them politely as they came; and again, what I've said above should set enough "stage" for what I'll be writing in this "Raincoat Story" later.

I'm really tempted here to bring up, say, a couple of the horror stories my kids and I were dealing with that involved two of their grandparents - not to mention any number of other "horror stories" or the fact that I had legal stuff going on, bills to pay, and whatever else going.  I'm not someone who assumes that too many people are spending too much time thinking about me if I walk down the street in a raincoat.  Like me, they all have their own lives.  Between not really worrying a whole lot about looking too weird, and having all kinds of other things on my mind, I just didn't care.  In fact, with all the upheaval in my children's lives, and with little left of any signs of stability in their own situations; I saw it as very important that I NOT do something that made me seem different than I'd always been.

These days I separate my walking situation by "before leg injuries" and "after leg injuries", which includes these days.   There was a time before when I did a lot more walking each week, sometimes because I was getting a weekly check, sometimes because I was getting random checks/deposits from online work.  Whether it was needing to mail something, pay something, or buy something; there were all the usual errands of someone buying groceries, house stuff, sometimes holiday stuff, etc. etc.

Once I did a big leg injury six and half years ago that whole "system" I had going was thrown off.  Then, too, my aims/plans to find work and/or the types of work I was doing changed (as had my free-time writing), but some of those changes had gone on before any leg injury.  Most weren't related to that at all.  The reason I bring up those non-injury related changes is that with some changes in my own work/writing/personal-business dealings have meant having to carry, or not carry, different "means of connectivity".  If I later refer to having to bring some stuff with me when I go out that last remark will serve to explain it.

Since I don't want to rehash the whole leg injury thing here (any more than the whole, old, "court thing", here); the short story is that two leg injuries are now things of the past, but I was generally out of shape when it came to walking a few miles.  I got that all ironed out, but carrying stuff (groceries, an umbrella, a cup of coffee, whatever...) awkwardly) often means getting "weird muscles" acting up for a day or two after doing one or another errand.   I have a "shopping tote" on wheels if I'm going to do "big errands", but these days I do most of my grocery shopping when I'm with someone who drives, and on the weekends.   That means that the only times I go walking is either to get something very small or a few things (which means I'm not going to bring the shopping tote, which doesn't really like a shopping tote but looks like carry-on luggage (which, like a raincoat, can be weird looking on the particular walk I do to either of the convenience stores).

Besides, even if I don't care who thinks what (if anyone is even "thinking anything"), there's the sometimes seemingly unnecessary "overkill factor" with the shopping tote.  This, of course, means that I'm back to lugging an awkard combination of things, even if none of them is particularly heavy by itself.

This means that many of my outbound walks start with my already having muscle issues from a walk the day or two before.  It doesn't help that I try to figure out the Massachusetts heat, humidity and/or cold in order to know how well hydrated I can be when I start out (because, bad as this may be to do, I try to limit how much I drink if I think there's too little heat or humidity (or sweating for my own "muscle work-out reasons") for me to be able to drink x amount without needing a ladies' room halfway home (where there just is not one).

I'm getting to the raincoat thing (and no, it has nothing to do with needing a ladies' room and not being able to get to one; although I can't resist mentioning that I was glad to have an "all-weather coat" on the evening I was at a restaurant when I was expecting my son over thirty years ago and the water broke; but again, the coats I wear truly have nothing to do with that kind of thing.  After all the time I've been walking I've got that kind of stuff down to a science, even if a kind of risky/unhealthy one of involving some efforts at limited hydration which doesn't do much for the leg muscles.)

This may all seem like an unrelated mix of points, but I can't make the "raincoat points" without first setting up a few things (although, of course, the thirty-year-old water-breaking story didn't need to be there; but I don't think I'm the only mother in the world who can't resist dredging up some bit of a childbirth-related story for no apparent good reason).

OK, so now REALLY, is the "Raincoat Story".  If anyone reads this (which I doubt) s/he has everything s/he needs to know for the whole raincoat thing to make sense.

Massachusetts Weather and when it's dark out and when it's not are major factors.  So is the fact that where I walk isn't great for walking, for one reason or another.  Like Massachusetts weather, there's pretty much a little of everything as far as terrain, sidewalks, or lack of them go; and that can change with any number of different weather factors, not to mention traffic factors.  So, I take the "All-Weather" description of my coats very much to heart.  I repeat:   ALL WEATHER!!!!

Sometimes I use the lining.  Sometimes I don't.  Most of the raincoat issues have been the same since I began walking.  The only difference (besides working on the leg injuries issues, themselves - and, no, I didn't mention the second one above) between "before injury" and "after injury" is that the coats I had before were coats I'd bought in person, at a store, after getting there either by car or by bus.  The older coats (no longer with me at this point), fit me better than some of the ones I've been wearing in more recent times

In more recent times I've had to do all my clothes shopping online.  That means I've learned to err on the side of big (I hate returning stuff because I don't have a printer set up and can't easily get to the Post Office and generally don't care enough about how good one of these coats looks (or IS, for that matter) as long as it covers me, has pockets, and is not too short.  I'm not tall, but some coats that are "petite" are shorter than I want for my purposes.  I once had a Spring coat (not all-weather, but more linen-like) shortened at the cleaners, and they took more off than I wanted - which meant I couldn't use the coat for walking).

More recently, I've had a couple of them that were far too long shortened, and it worked out well.  Even so, I want them long for my purposes.  One problem is, though, that if I wear one of the better ones out somewhere that matters (like, for example, out to dinner or somewhere other than the the "mixed terrain" walking route) I can put on heels or higher wedges, and the coat doesn't look too long. I wear long skirts, which means the coats have to cover them.

Since the leg injuries and muscle issues, I when I walk I walk in flats of one kind of another, or at least a "mini-wedge" (which kind of amounts to a flat).  As it happens, the three coats that I have these days amount to one that I call "the rag coat" (because it is) and two that don't fit me well.  One is off-white and looks dressier than the other "good" one, but it turned out it's more "synthetic" than I had realized, which means it holds in the heat really well, which also means that I'm unlikely to even try walking in it if it's too hot out (at least unless the other one is either in the cleaners or in need of washing).

Reasons I wear a coat in "all weather".

First, I buy them big in case I want to wear layers under them, rather than the lining (or maybe with the lining), so there's that.  As far as the heat goes, I'm not someone who generally gets hot unless I'm, say, carrying very heavy bags for, say, three miles in the sun and on a hot and humid day.  At least that's how I was/am when working my way back from leg injuries wasn't a factor.  It's a different thing in more recent times when, although I've made progress, there are still times when walking with some combinations of awkward weights, amounts to a large-muscle workout of one kind of another.

With the walking conditions, I pretty much rely on the coat for any number of reasons.

There's sun protection.  I have light skin, and years ago it looked to me as if, maybe, I should start paying attention to how much more sun exposure I let happen.
There's pockets.  They just come in handy.
There's shelter from the wind or rain.
Rolling up the sleeves is enough to make me feel cool enough on a hot humid day (usually).  The coat keeps my clothes clean if I sit somewhere outside (particularly if it isn't a chair or bench).  It covers my clothes so I don't have to worry about things like a windblown skirt, the sun showing through what I'm wearing, a slip-elastic that cuts loose (I'm more careful about older slips these days, but I've had that one happen once.)  Food/drink spills, puddle-splashes, bird mess, bugs of one kind or another - all things that can be issues.  So is rain and snow.  Oddly, maybe, wind is almost more of an issue than precipation is, mainly because with enough wind of the wrong kind one can just can feel kind of beaten up and frazzled, no matter how warm or cold out it is.  Cold is almost better because one tends to bundle up in the cold.  In more moderate weather it isn't so automatic to bundle up (and that WOULD be weird)  I can be surprising how beaten up one can feel even on a very warm, but very windy day.

If one spends enough hours out walking and/or walks enough miles for a long enough time, or often enough,  one sees the wisdom in wearing a lightweight coat that can either be easily and regularly washed, or else dry-cleaned reasonably cheaply.

The thing with the "coat thing" is that there have been times (sometimes more than others) when I've been made to feel/kind of reminded, actually, as if I'm doing something REALLY weird - like walking down the street in in a Halloween costume (or something).  It's certainly not all that often, or all the time; but even the occasional "issue" raised by someone can add up over a period of time.  It's not as if anyone openly makes fun of me.  People often mean well (or at least "mean harmless").  One woman who had always been very nice to me also made it a point to tell me that she and her husband would laugh at me and my coat.  It seemed like good-natured enough teasing, but she also made it a point to say how baffling (my word, not hers) my coat was to her.

More than once I've had police (or someone else) stop and ask if I'm OK.  Police have said (true or not, I don't know) that someone called to say they saw me walking (so the police said it was "well-being check" ).

Over the years there has been the occasional time when police have asked me things like if I know where I live (!!!!), and my just saying that I did wasn't enough.  They actually asked for my address.

I think it was last Spring when I thought I'd wear the off-white coat in the afternoon because it's not the same old khaki and looks Springier (but I knew warmer days were coming, which meant I couldn't wear it), and a policeman stopped and asked if I was OK (and seemed to be looking at the coat and my bag).

That happened another time during the day in that coat, and I know part of the problem could have been that it was hotter out than I'd realized, but also that last Spring (or the year before, I forget now), I was working on getting the leg injuries back to normal and there was quite a bit of discomfort involved.  So, maybe it was nice that someone thought I looked like I had a problem. 

At the beginning of this Spring I thought I'd bring out the off-white coat again.  I'd learned from experience not to take it on once the afternoons were warmer; but I had to go to the store when the days were still fairly short (and the off-white coat would show up more in the dark, I thought).  Because I knew it was chilly out I wore my "trusty" thick, pink, "cardigan" style "jersey" that has a rolled collar.  On two different occasions when I had that "combo" on I was asked by a police officer if I was OK.  One saId that someone had called.  The second "occasion" I'm thinking of was similar, although the police officer said someone said they'd "almost hit me" on a street where there hadn't been more than a couple of cars when I was there (and none of them "almost hit me").

This kind of thing has happened a few times (off-white coat or not), and it has been more than once that someone has mentioned thinking I was wearing a bathrobe until they saw/realized I as wearing (as one woman put it, a "dress coat").

Granted, there are often (not always) times when I've walked when it's dark out, and I'm not all thrilled to be out walking in the dark.  Then again, I don't do the same walk at the same time all the time.  It's occasional, and I'm more concerned with running into skunks or other animals than anything else (although I know that crime is everywhere, no matter how "friendly" and reasonably quiet a neighborhood generally is).

Some times of year, however, it's not easy to time daylight, especially on the late-day/evening side of things.  And, if I want to get night air or see the night sky the only real way I can do either is to occasionally be out walking in it.

One problem is that I can't see one foot in front of me along the way (and for some reason, there's a streetlight or two that go out just when I get to them - I still don't know how that works, and can't really care either).  Once it's dark it's a whole other thing, and the slowness factor isn't just about whether I've had any leg injuries or not, but how long it takes to get anywhere when sometimes not just using a flashlight, but waiting for car headlights to brighten up a few feet of sidewalk in order to get the next few feet before hoping more headlights will happen along for another few-feet stretch.